You can expect one of two reactions to the above situation. I have experienced both! The first scenario involves elation! Hugs and kisses all around! The second scenario involves a few shits, damns and a maybe a "You've got to be f***ing kidding me". Don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited to have another baby. More children were always in the plans, just not less than a year after the first was born.
You see, I am NOT one of those women who LOVES pregnancy. In fact, I don't think those women really exist. They are like unicorns. You hear about them, but it's safe to say anyone claiming to have seen one is full of shit. If someone claims to be one of these mythical creatures... Well, that is an entirely different issue. (I am talking to you, Mom) Pregnancy sucks the life out of you. No seriously, that little booger growing inside of you literally steals the nutrients you live on, your energy, your beauty, your perky breasts and ass... Oh man, it turns ugly fast!
Before you start thinking that I am an unfit parent, I will tell you that I LOVE my daughter more than anything on the planet! She has been the light of my life since her tiny, wrinkled body was finally out of mine! And that day couldn't have come soon enough for me.
The First Trimester
YAY! You are pregnant! Now what? You are probably excited for the journey ahead! You get to be a mommy! You get to grow a little person inside your belly! For a quick moment you forget that you can't enjoy a few cold ones on a Friday night for 9 whole 10 whole MONTHS (unless you are nursing, in which case, tack on roughly 6 more).
During these first months you will experience exhaustion you didn't know was possible! By 2 pm every afternoon you will feel like you haven't slept since 1991 (the year you actually stopped needing daily naps). You will fall asleep as soon as you get home from work. Some day your husband is going to walk in and possibly see you sleeping on the couch, with your shoes still on, a box of Lucky Charms in your hand, and a puddle of drool under your face. The honeymoon is over, folks!
Then suddenly one day you realize you can't stand Lucky Charms. Or any other food. Or the smell of your husband's deodorant. You will wonder if saltines and seltzer water will nourish your body for the rest of your life, because anything else must never be within a 20-foot radius of you EVER AGAIN!
You will look in the mirror one day and see the 15 year old version of yourself staring back at you, with a break out so horrible you contemplate wearing a bag over your head whenever you leave the house. Or maybe just never leaving the house again?
You will spend these first few months of pregnancy running to the bathroom to pee or throw up (between naps, of course) and trying to find a way to hide the fact that you have become a zombie, so no one finds out you are pregnant.
The Second Trimester
During the first few weeks of the second trimester you will start to wonder if you are still pregnant. Suddenly, food sounds good again, you only pee 73 times a day (instead of 105), you will make it all day without napping! You start to wonder if you are one of those girls who likes pregnancy? Wait, it's not that bad... This is a trick!
This is a nice little break in the middle of your pregnancy, and a much needed one. If you are going to workout or do anything productive with your life, plan it during these few short months! This is when your "beer gut belly" will start to look more like a pregnant belly! This is the cute phase. Enjoy it! People are going to want to touch you, in which case I suggest touching them back! Seriously. I promise that if some elderly woman at the grocery store thinks she can rub my belly, I am going to reach out and rub hers too. Weird? Ok then. Glad we understand one another.
Baby movements are another part of the second trimester that help to make it the best part of pregnancy. Shit starts getting real. "Holy buhgeez, there is a human growing inside of me". Pretty cool. For a minute.
The Third Trimester
Oh yeah, now it's on! Ever peed your pants when you cough? Sneeze? Laugh? Get up too quickly? For no good reason? Well, you're about to! Let's just say the reason you carry a pair of extra panties in your purse is less than sexy.
"You're glowing". No. You're sweating.
"Sleep before the baby gets here". No. Anyone who suggests this should have a watermelon shoved up their ass, and try to sleep like that. I am aware that babies don't come out of your ass, but some days it feels like they might. Which brings us to our next topic: Hemorrhoids. Enough said!
It is in your best interest to NOT look at the scale when you go to the doctor during this last stretch of pregnancy. I look straight at the ceiling and tell the nurse to write it down quietly. No woman needs to be aware of the fact that she is gaining a pound a week! Oh, and it doesn't fall right off either. Not even if you breastfeed. Anyone who does shrink right back down to her pre-baby size should be banished with the rest of the pregnancy-loving unicorns. Buh bye!
As you near the end of pregnancy, every minute feels like an hour. You will, at some point, ask your husband if you are going to be pregnant forever. The answer is, YES. Or at least it will feel like it. You know labor isn't going to be a walk in the park, but you're pretty certain you would rather birth a baby horse than be pregnant for one more minute.
One glorious day you will finally be done with pregnancy and begin the joyous journey of motherhood. No really- it kicks your ass, but it is one hell of a good time! My only suggestion would be NOT to get pregnant again 3 months later. If this happens, you could just find yourself writing the most cynical blog post ever written about pregnancy.
